Tuesday, 9 October 2012

Malaysia – the land of the experts

People have been talking about Malaysia having a big problem with human capital. They say that we have a brain-drain problem. They say our education system is not producing smart students. And they say the country does not have enough talented people.


After the 2013 budget was announced last Friday, I realised that Malaysia is actually teeming with geniuses and experts. We have so many outrageously intelligent people that we don’t know what to do with them. These are people whose brains are overflowing their skulls. And the best part is they are everywhere. At the parliament, at the coffee shops, at the football fields, at the roadside, at the universities, the list goes on and on. Guess what, the most number of geniuses are found on Facebook and Twitter.


Economic experts
People who can’t even balance their own cheque books yet have no qualms offering advice on how the nation’s finances should be administered. Nincompoops who can’t even pay their own hutang at the mamak shop are now dispensing wisdom about how the national debt should be managed. Porcupines who don’t even know the difference between Government bonds and James Bond yet have no qualms telling Bank Negara how to manage our foreign reserves.

The best of the lot are the economic geniuses who can ramble for hours about the national budget without having even heard or read it. I think the next Nobel Prize in Economics is coming to Malaysia.

Political experts
We have many experts on politics. There are the chicken-brains who do not know the difference between parliament and palm oil yet will not hesitate to lecture you how elections should be conducted. Morons who have never voted in their entire lives have no qualms to preaching how you should vote. Idiots who in the entire lives have never read our Constitution will not hesitate to give you a lecture on the role of the King. The best of the political experts are the hundreds of when-are-next-elections predictors who continuously get their dates wrong. 

Marketting experts
People who can’t even write a decent resume yet have no qualms preaching how MAS or AirAsia or Maxis or SimeDarby should reorganize their business. People who can’t even sell a kebab to a hungry Arab go on and on about how Tourism Malaysia should promote the country. Folks who failed at selling Cosway products but now try to teach other people how to sell their products. People who have never even sold a goreng pisang in their lives yet find it easy to preach how GLC’s should do business.

You will these marketing experts everywhere. Just browse the many status updates by your friends on Facebook today and you will find them. Pure geniuses.

Safety experts
People who know no shit about radiation yet go around advising others how the Lynas plant could kill a camel from 5 miles away. Dungoos who know nothing about geology yet have no misgivings lecturing engineers how to design their foundation. Folks who don’t know the difference between a handphone and a handjob go around dishing advice about how the electromagnetic radiation from the mobile phone can fry your brains.

Medical experts
These are the most numerous. All you have to do is just mention (quietly will do) about an ailment, there will a dozen Malaysians queuing up to dispense their medical wisdom. Balding? No worries – some geniuses will tell you that rubbing your head against a wall will regenerate hair growth. Erectile dysfunction ? No worries – some smart dickhead (pardon the pun) will tell you how eating goat’s testicle will take care of the problem. The best of the lot are the wizards in the “angin” department. Almost 1000 diseases and aches can be attributed to you having too much “angin”.

So there you go, folks. Plenty of proof that the nation is teeming with geniuses. We are even smarter than R2D2. The brain drain in Malaysia is a myth.
I know many experts. Do you ?

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